🔗 Share this article

For me as a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or vulnerability, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This approach will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.